Lately I’ve been doing a lot of evaluating of my life as a mom, so as to better identify the kind of mom I really want to be for and to my kids; and what changes I need to make within myself to get there.  Truth be told, I really don’t like the kind of mom I have been so far.  More often than not, I feel easily frazzled, highly overwhelmed, and short-tempered.  And, as organized as I am in general, I often feel disorganized when it comes meeting my kids needs and prioritizing my time with them.  They are at the stages in their lives when they need me most; and some, if not most, days I feel like the demands on my time from all other outside commitments (work, the house, bills, etc.) just take over and completely detract me from them.  I am so not the mom I envisioned myself to be….

Or at least I wasn’t until now…..

Since starting this blog, which has enabled me to find a way to express my inner voice and do a lot more self-evaluation, I feel like I am better able to decompress, regroup, and reorganize myself.  Creating some “me time” either late in the evening or in the early morning to blog has fostered a creative outlet where I can be me.  This has in turn helped me to regroup, refuel and refocus mentally and emotionally as a mom.   And while it may sound crazy, it has worked.  I am remembering to breathe more when the squabbling and bickering starts amongst my boys.  I am remembering that a calm voice is much more effective than a raised one.  I am remembering to appreciate their eager helpfulness and show them that appreciation both verbally and physically.  Hugs, thank you’s, and I love you’s go a long way with little ones.  I am remembering to not only find the time to interact with each of them on their level, but to make the time to interact with, to play with, to talk with, and to listen to them.  And as a mom, it feels so good to feel engaged with, connected to and invested in them.

While I am not where I envision myself being quite yet, I take each day as a victory and reaffirmation of my efforts to change.  I want my children to grow up feeling loved and appreciated, valued and respected, and empowered and encouraged.  I want them to have hopes and dreams no matter what the odds.  I want them to understand the realities, but not let those realities detract them from their vision.  I want them to respect the rules but not be afraid to challenge the unjust.  I want them to show love, compassion and empathy in a world that can be harsh and cold.  It’s up to me as their mom to help them set their course, to plant the seeds that will become my legacy and their destination.