As a mom lately I have been coming up short in many areas. I have been short on patience, short on time, and short on enthusiasm. I am not sure what it is with my boys. Maybe it’s the end of the summer boredom that has set in, which has left them irritable and cranky, but every day lately has been a battle of attitudes and tones which has pushed me to the edge of my sanity. My daughter hasn’t gotten to the age of the attitude, but her curiosity and dare-devilish nature has zapped me of my energy and some days left me feeling exhausted. My saving grace has been my husband, who lately has shown extreme patience with all of the kids, especially the boys. As a blended family, we have not been without our bonding challenges and growing pains, but this past week it was as if something in him changed and he was finding that extra deep pocket of parenting patience that I could only have hoped for. Last night I found out why….
I never shared with my husband that I had begun blogging. The truth is that when I began this journey, I didn’t know how to tell him what I was doing, and quite frankly I thought he might find it silly or stupid. I was afraid I might fail at my attempt and if I did, no one had to know. Funny how we rationalize our choices. I let my own insecurities about wanting to write prevent me from sharing something that mattered to me with him; and I unfairly never allowed him the opportunity to weigh in on my endeavor. As the last few weeks have unfolded I wanted to say, “Hey guess what I started?” but I couldn’t find a way to broach the subject without sounding like a complete ass for not having shared this with him from the beginning. Last night he asked me if there was something I had been hiding from him. I told him no and in my mind I certainly wasn’t even thinking about my blog. I hadn’t blogged in a few days, I had had a crazy day with work, the kids, and the dog and it never entered my mind. Well he then asked me about my blog. It seems that an alert had come across my phone which caught his eye (no he wasn’t snooping) and he had decided to check out what I’d been up to. The irony is that not only did he like what I had been writing about regarding our family, but it was the reason lately he had been so patient with the kids and was really trying to establish some common ground with the boys. My words were his motivation to ease those growing pains and really work on us a family. He told me that it made him act differently and think about me because he could see how I felt.
I wish I could have found some joy in this. Unfortunately it was clouded in his hurt and disappointment that I never chose to share this with him, and that to him I lied about it when I told him I had nothing to hide. His words to me went something like, “You never gave me a chance to respond but rather you responded for me.” Now before you get ready to pounce on him for being upset with me, you have to think about this from a black and white perspective. There are no gray areas with my husband. A lie, is just that, a lie. It doesn’t matter that this was a lie of omission, or what my intent was as to why I never shared this with him – to him it was still a lie. And you know what, he is right. If we can’t be honest about our actions, our thoughts, and our feelings – especially with our spouses – regardless of how we rationalize it in our heads, then what does that say about us as individuals, or even our relationship? Am I being too hard on myself, maybe, maybe not. I guess that will depend on whether or not you are of a black and white perspective, or come from a gray area of thought. However, I have come to the realization that for me, it is this gray area culture which so easily has enabled excuses to rationalize out our every move. And for me personally, I need to change.
As a wife, I let down the one person who has always been invested in me and been supportive of me. It took a lot for me to write this blog because it highlights for me, my own weakness as a person; and that leaves me feeling very vulnerable. Am I being hard on myself – to some maybe, to me – not so much. If you consider for a moment what the foundation of a solid relationship is, it is truth and honesty. Doesn’t my husband deserve this all the time? And how can I be an example to my children and teach them to always be honest, if I myself can’t lead by that example? The mirror of truth has been held up and I don’t like what I see…..