Lately I have been inundated with a plethora expressed male dumb-ass statements. Some have come from my husband and some from the husbands/significant others of my close friends. And of course I couldn’t resist and decided to blog about them….
Here I go….
“What did you do all day?” – Now regardless of whether or not it’s meant to have a negative connotation, my ears consistently hear it as, and my brain converts it to a a big fat negative fight-starting inquiry. I am home with a pre-schooler who is busier than a tornado, up to my eyeballs in laundry, needing to clean my house, vacuum, and do dishes all the while I am indecisive about what to make for dinner because of the ridiculous after-school schedules and he’s asking what I did all day. I can certainly tell you what I didn’t do… I didn’t relax and I accomplished none of what I optimistically set out to accomplish. Happy you asked?
“What’s for dinner?” Quite frankly I usually have no fucking idea. Nor do most of my close mommy friends who are quite content with nuking some chicken nuggets or making the good old go-to of mac-n-cheese. Sorry honey, the days of gourmet meals at set times are a thing of the past. Our home has basically become it’s own fast food entity so I would suggest that you shut-up, eat what I microwaved, smile and say it tastes fantastic. Oh and on the off chance I do manage to put together a meal with all the food groups represented (which still does happen on the rare occasion) I would appreciate a thank you and acknowledgement of the monumental task that I achieved rather than a statement of what you wished I had made instead.
“You’re not loading the dishwasher right.” Seriously? One of my best friends husband’s is quick to criticize her on this point. We all grew up in the age of Tetris so I think she’s got this covered. And as a meticulous women I am even more sure that she does it better than him.
“I am out of socks and underwear.” Well now, let me introduce you to the washing machine and the dryer and feel free to do your own laundry from this point on.
“I’m gonna start doing my own laundry.” Oh please, don’t threaten me with a good time.
“I’m going out with the guys tonight.” Say what? I always feel for a friend of mine when she tells me her husband went out and she is home with all of their kids. Please tell me when it became ok for me to just announce their plans rather than have a discussion about them. Most wives would probably be pretty cool about it if we were at least consulted, “sure go ahead and have a good time.” However, when you inform us of your plans you stir the shit pot of entitlement and we end up cursing you out under our breaths the entire night muttering things like, “who the hell does he think he is going out when I’ve been stuck at home all day with the kids and haven’t even managed to pee without an audience – hope he chokes on the bar peanuts.”
“What do you mean you’re still at work – I thought you got done at ___?” This is for all my friends (myself included) who work in healthcare. Newsflash – just because our shift ends at a set time doesn’t mean we actually get done at that time. In fact you can pretty much rest assure we won’t be done for at least another hour – SO STOP ASKING!!! It is like this each and every shift we work, it doesn’t change, so get used to it.
“Do I need to ______?” Any question that starts with these four words is an automatic – YES. End of story.
There are many more but I will end this here for now. Please feel free to share any dumb things your man says….