If you’re a wife or a mom you know exactly what type of special hearing this is. It’s that innate ability to hear something, anything, anything at all – three rooms away through a closed door that was whispered by anyone in your family (your husband included). Slight exaggeration, not really. I swear I can hear my kids roll their eyes at me or my husband feign interest in what it is I have to say. While this is a phenemonal parental/spousal tool it’s also a bit of a pain in the ass. Apparently I hear things that no one else in my house hears, and I am talking about everyday normal things; things that anyone should be able to hear anytime, anywhere. For instance, I seem to be the only one that hears when the dogs bark at 6 am. No one else in my house can hear the cacophony of sounds coming from the kitchen but me. It doesn’t matter the time of day – no one, No ONE rouses and responds but me. Like seriously? How in the hell can you not hear the absolute chaos errupting? And when I inquire as to how no one heard that but me, I get looks of confusion, as if they actually didn’t hear the noise or this was a new sound that no one seemed to recognize, so they ignored it. I am also apparently the only one who hears my husband’s alarm go off at 3 am. His alarm is loud enough the wake the neighbors but I seem to the only one who responds. My husband apparently sleeps in a coma because he sure as hell doesn’t wake up (and thank god neither do the kids), in fact he doesn’t even stir. Even when I poke and kick him, he still doesn’t hear the blaring noise of his alarm reverberating through our bedroom. In fact he often looks at me with a confused and indignant look, as if to ask why I am disturbing him. Seriously dude, it’s 3 am get – please get the hell up and go to work so I can get back to sleep and maybe get another couple of hours in before the dogs start barking. I also seem to be the only one able to hear a running toilet, dripping faucet, timer, or any other abnormal sound in the house. Come on people….
Then of course the is the ability to hear what anyone says or does regardless of location. Yup, I can hear sass, sarcasm, verbal barbs, touching, poking, and all other forms of interaction no matter where I am in the house. Sometimes I spring into action before the offender (or offenders) even finishes what it is they are saying; and other times I wait and see how the shit plays out. But no matter what, I hear it, every single thing. Some days I like to pretend that I don’t, but I do. And then I am forced to take action – as if I really feel like refereeing something for the thousandth time.
So moms/wives, if you can relate, you are not alone. Mother-Wifehood is a wonderful eclectic mix of super powers that can often leave you wishing you could hang up your cape and bury your head in the sand; shutting out everything and everyone so as to get 5 minutes of peace and quiet.